I can't work here anymore..

.. because if I continue to, I will be fat forever.

I started off my day sensibly enough with a breakfast drink and a yogurt, and it's all been downhill from there.

It's late September which means school is in session, and that equals school fundraising. I'm sitting at my desk minding my own business when my coworker comes by with a box.

Chocolate covered almonds.

Or rather -- "Roasted almonds with a HINT of chocolate".

She's quite good at romanticizing.

I resisted for about 3.2 seconds and then bought a box which the Public health nursing clerk and I scarfed down before 10. I left two in the box for the office manager, and then applauded myself for my apparent self control.

At my first coffee break someone left a bundt cake in the staff room with a post-it on it: "Help yourself". I didn't even bother trying to resist. I just had a piece. A small one.

I'm housesitting for my folks this weekend as well as getting a visit from my good friend Rick, and since both he and my brother are of the carnivorous variety and my mom is of the non-grocery-shopping variety, I picked up some meat for them. Since I've also been shunning carbs and know there is not one bread product in my house for Rick to eat the meat on, I picked up some buns, too. It took my entire lunch break to do the running around and shopping, and I scarcely had any time to eat anything, so I wolfed down a bun in the stead of an actual meal.

By 2 I was ravenous. The jujubes and Nibs in the candy dish began to look immensely appealing, so I grabbed a few each and every time I walked by. By 2:30, the new health inspector came by bearing gifts of the chocolate cupcake variety. I guess someone told her we're easier to deal with when we're not starving. I was hesitant but they looked yummy, so I took one.

I covered reception again at 3, which was just in time for the PHN clerk and I to get into a detailed and animated conversation about the differences between food in the UK and Canada.

Great, guess who wants poutine now?

I ♥ Puppies

After a tough week of dealing with plenty of pain and frustration, I decided to head to my folks' place for the weekend to partake in some puppy goodness since this is the last weekend before they go off to their new homes.

They got their ear tattoos last week, and they were all still sporting green left ears, so I spent Friday night bathing them and then getting reacquainted with my old friend "Beer" to reward myself for a job, well, done.

Saturday I washed mom's truck in preparation for her trip down south to drop the pups off, and then spent the rest of the day walking dogs. I am absolutely determined to drop this excess 30 pounds I'm carrying before I move back to Edmonton. Now if only the people at work would cooperate and stop bringing cake into the staff room!

Now it's Monday again, and I'm doing my favorite at-work activity -- looking up cheap trips. Don't tell my boss.

PS. Last night I woke myself up at 5 am after having a particularly vivid dream about Zombies. I'm blaming the Zombieland trailers on TV. I did not go back to sleep. Especially since SOMEONE felt the need to text me at 6 making plans for next GD Friday. Ugh.

How's this for fun?

I'm hoping this is the end of my epically bad month. On Tuesday afternoon, I went to the dentist and he cranked out the tooth that was bugging me and it's buddy upstairs. I'm on even better painkillers that I am not allergic to, and I can honestly say I don't care about very much when they're in action. Except my thirst. I'm thirsty just about all the time.

So I was reviewing some old blog entries trying to get a rough timeline on events of 2006 (my blog is so handy for that) when I came across this old entry about birthdays. Since my 26th is 42 days away (yes, I'm counting), I figured it was bordering on timely, and worthy of a repost.

Birthdays are:

1) An inventory of all your "real" friends vs. your "fake" friends. It's funny how a guy you dated 5 years ago sends you a MSN at midnight and says "Is it too early to wish you a Happy Birthday?" while people that enthusiastically claim to 'love me' don't even send me a Good Morning.

2) A status report on your current place in life, and if you've done everything youre supposed to do by such and such age, and then seeing a disturbing amount of checks in the "nope" column.

3) The sad resignation that you have no control over the events of this day in your life, and must meekly nod and smile when everyone assumes they know what you REALLY want to do.

4) The unsettling social commentary that most of your "gifts" are in bottles

Birthdays suck.

I'm betting dollars to donuts that 26 is pretty well the same as 23.

Facecrack Problems

I logged onto Facebook tonight to discover the above.

Right.

Like I don't have ANY new updates in the past 2 hours since I got home from work.

Has anyone else noticed that Facebook has been doing some supremely weird things lately? I seem to get random status updates from yesterday mixed in with ones from 10 minutes ago that somehow ended up on my home screen below one from an hour ago.

On another note, I would LOVE to sleep, but crazy lady below me has her music cranked so loud I can literally feel the vibration when I lay on the couch. Normally I don't mind John Mellencamp, but listening to "Small Town" this loud on practically no sleep is akin to torture.

Since I'm truly not anal-retentive enough to complain about loud music at quarter to 7 on a Friday night, I will seethe in silence. For now. But if she doesn't let up within the hour she will discover the glory that is GWAR.

Random Thoughts for Today

I kind of get a weird kick out of seeing a pregnant woman ready to pop climbing out of her car with a lit cigarette dangling from her lips. Like, Really?

I had a "bajingo sister" sighting today at Safeway. In case you're unaware, a bajingo sister is someone with whom you share a past sexual encounter. I often wonder if they recognize me as quickly as I recognize them. I hope not. I looked fat today.

I have decided to swear off men for this week. This is big news. I probably won't even succeed.

Is it real Green Tea in Starbucks Green Tea drinks? If not, what is it? Do I even want to know?

I had my own little mini drama play out in the alley behind my apartment last night at 3 am while I was up nursing my poor wreck of a body. I was outside smoking, and drinking juice and contemplating whether or not to go to the ER when it broke out. I'm still a little unsure of whether or not the TV being on would have disturbed my roommates more or less than this did. In any case, apparently someone was making "everything all about her" and someone else needs to "stop acting like a slut" around someone's else man. It was all very entertaining and kind of Springer-esque. However, I personally think several someone's need to stop inbibing alcohol if they can't handle it.

Yeah, I went to the ER. They gave me some weak ass painkillers and sent me home with instructions to come back at 7:30. I laid in bed until 6:30 whispering sweet nothings to my cat, and went over again at 7:15. I swear I'm going to smother myself in ketchup the next time I go in there. Maybe then someone will pay attention to me in under 45 minutes. As it turns out, yes, my wisdom tooth is impacted, and abscessing and has grown so quickly it has broken off a piece of the molar in front of it. Uber pain. Tattoo pain was a cakewalk in comparison.

Everyone keeps trying to send me home from work today, and I don't understand why. I'm fine as long as I have something stable to prop me up -- like a wall, or a desk, or my boss.

Yeah, I'm still on some pretty good painkillers. They're doing almost nothing for the pain, but I do sort of feel like I'm on a cloud.

A Canadian Cigarette

I smoked my first Canadian cigarette in almost a week today.

American cigarettes typically taste much stronger, and have a much harsher effect on my throat, so I chose to go with lightest, most filtered cigarette the US can offer:

The Virginia Slim Luxury Ultra Light 120's

That's 120 mm, and around 15 minutes per cigarette in case you've never had the chance to partake. Or you're just naturally sane and think cigarettes are disgusting.

In any case, my Canadian cigarette (John Player's Standard Silver Regular, FYI) is just under half as long as the VS is, and in the time I typically smoke one 120, I smoked 2 JPS and ended up with one heckuva head rush.

I wandered back inside the office after partaking, feeling woozy and dopey and sporting a huge smile on my face. It felt kind of nice.

Our receptionist was on her coffee break and sitting inside the break room with our Tobacco Reduction Coordinator, and after she remarked on my goofy look, I had the poor sense to discuss how much better my Canadian smoke tasted in front of him, because currently tact and knowing my audience is NOT my strong suit.

I feel it's fair to mention that my left bottom wisdom tooth seems to be impacted and I am on some heavy dose painkillers, so writing a blog entry about my smoking habits makes sense to me on some level right now. I'll understand if it doesn't make sense to you.

"Stephy"

On August 29, 2009, my cousin took her life.

Today would have been her 18th birthday.

In the 11 days since her passing, I've cried more tears, asked more questions and felt more pain and doubt than I could wish on anyone.

I flew over 3000 km to say my goodbyes and offer what solace I could to all those she left behind.

On one hand I'm extremely saddened by her passing, and no amount of questions I have will ever help me make sense of her death. For all the information I've acquired regarding her final days, one part of me can understand how things could seem so incredibly overwhelming as to draw that ultimate, sad conclusion. Another part knows that no heartache or confusion is worth ending it all over. I suppose at 17, things seem as if they'll never get better.

However, I'm also angry with her. I'm angry because I know the pain and sadness she has left behind. I'm angry because she failed to see how many people loved her, cared about her, and would miss her deeply. I'm also angry because I have been there myself, and I know how temporary the pain truly is. All the things she could have done, seen and experienced. She was a beautiful, creative and intelligent girl with a capacity for great things, and who knows whether or not she could have changed the world. She certainly changed the worlds of those many people she touched.

Maybe the truth is that some people aren't strong enough to survive in this world. I wish she would have.

Stephanie Elizabeth Pappas

September 9, 1991 - August 29, 2009

This entry is more than just my goodbye to Stephanie though.

It's meant as an eye-opener for every person out there who has said something intentionally cruel to someone, who has ostracized someone for little or no reason, who went along with something they knew was hurtful just because they feared ostracism themselves.

One of the priests at Stephanie's funeral gave the most real, heartfelt and informative eulogy I had ever heard in my life.

The gist of it was that as human beings we have the ability to be COMPASSIONATE beings, but so many of us choose not to because our ability to be compassionate often interferes with our ability to remain part of the so-called status quo. We all need to RESPECT each other more, and to feel empathy for people in pain instead of choosing them as an easy target to solder our own egos.

It's also meant as a source of strength for all those who have felt the sting of rejection, the pain of betrayal and the loneliness that accompanies being outcast. It's meant for those who have looked at a vial of sleeping pills or a handgun and thought "What if?".

There are people who love you, who care about you, and who will do everything they can to help you get through this. Find them. Talk to them.

Maybe it'll be a quick fix. Maybe it won't.

You'd be amazed at how much you discover people care once you're gone, but wouldn't it be better to know how much they all cared while you were still alive?

The thing is that we forget what suicide really is. It's not an end to itself, and it doesn't really relieve us of our pain. Instead it just transfers the pain to all your friends and your family.

Remember, suicide is a temporary feeling and reaction to overwhelming pain. Suicide is a very permanent solution to this temporary question. Imagine destroying an entire city to rid it of a single cockroach. When we decide to actually take our own life, that is the equivalent of what we're doing. We are taking all the potential, the hope, the possible future achievements (both great and small), the creativity, the history and the life, and destroying it to rid ourselves of one feeling, pain.

Talk about overkill.

National Suicide Hotline (USA): 1-800-784-2433 or
1-800-273-8255

In Canada: 1-800-448-3000