"Stephy"

On August 29, 2009, my cousin took her life.

Today would have been her 18th birthday.

In the 11 days since her passing, I've cried more tears, asked more questions and felt more pain and doubt than I could wish on anyone.

I flew over 3000 km to say my goodbyes and offer what solace I could to all those she left behind.

On one hand I'm extremely saddened by her passing, and no amount of questions I have will ever help me make sense of her death. For all the information I've acquired regarding her final days, one part of me can understand how things could seem so incredibly overwhelming as to draw that ultimate, sad conclusion. Another part knows that no heartache or confusion is worth ending it all over. I suppose at 17, things seem as if they'll never get better.

However, I'm also angry with her. I'm angry because I know the pain and sadness she has left behind. I'm angry because she failed to see how many people loved her, cared about her, and would miss her deeply. I'm also angry because I have been there myself, and I know how temporary the pain truly is. All the things she could have done, seen and experienced. She was a beautiful, creative and intelligent girl with a capacity for great things, and who knows whether or not she could have changed the world. She certainly changed the worlds of those many people she touched.

Maybe the truth is that some people aren't strong enough to survive in this world. I wish she would have.

Stephanie Elizabeth Pappas

September 9, 1991 - August 29, 2009

This entry is more than just my goodbye to Stephanie though.

It's meant as an eye-opener for every person out there who has said something intentionally cruel to someone, who has ostracized someone for little or no reason, who went along with something they knew was hurtful just because they feared ostracism themselves.

One of the priests at Stephanie's funeral gave the most real, heartfelt and informative eulogy I had ever heard in my life.

The gist of it was that as human beings we have the ability to be COMPASSIONATE beings, but so many of us choose not to because our ability to be compassionate often interferes with our ability to remain part of the so-called status quo. We all need to RESPECT each other more, and to feel empathy for people in pain instead of choosing them as an easy target to solder our own egos.

It's also meant as a source of strength for all those who have felt the sting of rejection, the pain of betrayal and the loneliness that accompanies being outcast. It's meant for those who have looked at a vial of sleeping pills or a handgun and thought "What if?".

There are people who love you, who care about you, and who will do everything they can to help you get through this. Find them. Talk to them.

Maybe it'll be a quick fix. Maybe it won't.

You'd be amazed at how much you discover people care once you're gone, but wouldn't it be better to know how much they all cared while you were still alive?

The thing is that we forget what suicide really is. It's not an end to itself, and it doesn't really relieve us of our pain. Instead it just transfers the pain to all your friends and your family.

Remember, suicide is a temporary feeling and reaction to overwhelming pain. Suicide is a very permanent solution to this temporary question. Imagine destroying an entire city to rid it of a single cockroach. When we decide to actually take our own life, that is the equivalent of what we're doing. We are taking all the potential, the hope, the possible future achievements (both great and small), the creativity, the history and the life, and destroying it to rid ourselves of one feeling, pain.

Talk about overkill.

National Suicide Hotline (USA): 1-800-784-2433 or
1-800-273-8255

In Canada: 1-800-448-3000