Travelbug Bite

Brief update which I'll expand on later.

In about a week's time I should be either IN or doing my final packing for a 3 month sojourn in Dawson to work with my mom. Should I use the money to finance a trip to:

a) Europe

or

b)Mexico?

Funny Stuff

I just had to share this because it's so incredibly uncanny...

I've recieved a phone call at work both yesterday and today from people from my past, about moving.

Yesterday it was my ex-boyfriend's best friend's ex-girlfriend (Honest to God, how else do I refer to her?) who is also my current roommate's cousin (although we didn't find that out until after Charlotte moved in).

Today I got a phone call from a guy I went to high school with who has an incredibly unique name and who's voice I recognized immediately.

I'm still debating over whether this is some sort of odd sign, or if it's just coincidence.

I do know that they were probably initially both quite creeped out that the voice at the other end of the phone knew where they were from and who they used to date.

This seems to happen to me a lot actually.

Not Easy

Isn't it amazing how fast a year goes by?

I was reminiscing this morning and reviewing my past blog entries and it occurred to me there were a lot of things that happened a year ago or more that seem to have just happened recently.

I feel like I've been asleep. Maybe I have.

I'm looking at this bouquet of flowers on my desk and contemplating what they represent and how they make me feel. They're beautiful, but I think they make me feel guilty. I miss this.

This is harder than I thought.

Smokin'

For 11 years of my life, almost every spare, stressful or sad moment in my life was marked by lighting a cigarette and proceeding to smoke it.

3 weeks ago I smoked my last cigarette. I couldn't tell you that there was one defining moment that made my mind up for me. There was just a combination of factors ranging from "cigarettes are costing me a tropical vacation every year" to "I'm sick of wheezing when I wake up".

The biggest trouble is that I've smoked for almost my entire adult life. I don't have any experiences that relate to me not smoking, except for the 20 some odd times I quit before. Everytime I got dumped/botched a job interview/got in a fight with my best friend/had my dog run away/received a disconnection notice in the mail, etc etc etc, I lit up. I didn't know any other way to cope with my stress.

I'm not sure I'm any better with it, but I will tell you that if you seriously want to quit -- buy a lot of cleaning supplies. First, you'll be so bloody happy that your house doesn't smell like the pub you snuck into when you were 15, anymore, that you'll blissfully clean and clean and clean just to get every last residual bit out. Secondly, it works wonderfully for keeping you busy. And a busy ex-smoker remains an ex-smoker.

I will say that prior to this, my longest 'quit' was a month when I was back in high school. I smoked whatever I could steal from my parents back then, as opposed to the pack a day-ish habit I had up until recently, so I'm feeling a lot more optimistic than I have in times past.

Actually. Scrap that. I am a non smoker now.

If it makes you Happy

Everyone who knows me really well is aware of the tumultuous week I had last week, so there's no point in rehashing that, and this entry has nothing to do with me being sad about what happened. I had my time to cry and now I have the tough job of picking up the pieces and improving my life.

This post is about the process of finding myself.

Somewhere along the way I feel like I got really lost. I started losing the focus to keep evolving as a person, lost in the process of attempting to help us evolve as a couple. I ended up feeling unhappy and depressed and I failed miserably at accomplishing anything besides driving him away.

He's not really to blame for that. I knew all along I was difficult to be around not knowing what direction I was going in or what I was even doing currently, and I was so grateful that he stuck by me, as frustrating as it must have been as of late. I would imagine that somewhere along the way he decided that he'd lost the me he fell in love with and it was time to make his own plans without me. I still love him -- that won't change. You don't just stop loving someone after 7 years.

In any case, I didn't lose myself -- I just lost my way, and he was a good companion to have while I was walking down the wrong path.

I knew I was losing my shot at happiness, too, because I wasn't even sure what made me happy anymore, and just in the past few days I've started to remember again.

If you really want to know what I've discovered my key to happiness is, feel free to ask me.

Relationships are tough, but they become a helluva lot tougher when one or both parties are coming to grips with who they are.