Je ne suis pas dans l'amour

I'm hoping that my rough translation won't make any French readers snort milk out of their noses, but it is quite early, and a Sunday, so I can't be held responsible.

I've been having the weirdest dreams lately about He-who-shall-remain-nameless and his ex wife making my life hell. It's weird, because we're really not involved in each other's lives anymore, but I suppose because I've been thinking a lot about the last year and a half of my life that it's bound to seep into my subconscious.

This hurts, y'know? Somedays I feel like the pain of being so used has completely subsided and I feel like a new person, but then I meet someone and feelings start to grow and it all comes running back. Being in love sucks. Thus the title of this blog.

My entire life I've always been the happiest when I'm in love or enamoured with someone, so I'm going to endeavour from this day forth to just be happy with life. I'm not in love. It's my new mantra beginning on a day that I really can't help but feel alone (tomorrow is Thanksgiving in Canada.. I am sadly family-less for the holiday. Summer and I will share a turkey sandwich).

Again.. it still hurts. I happened to stumble upon an old blog of mine from last Christmas-ish, in which I make mention of Wayne buying me a ring, and I think.. it's his fault. That's unhealthy. It wasn't all his fault, and it wasn't all mine. We weren't meant to be, and our relationship would be a textbook example of one which could be defined as 'toxic', so I suppose the first thing I should be thankful for today..

It didn't work out... Love is grand.. divorce is like a hundred grand.

Now go eat some turkey.

Employee of the Year

EMPLOYEE OF THE YEAR:

Kyle Leske has only been with us a short while, but in his brief tenure has demonstrated the positive 'No Problem' attitude expected and enjoyed in each and every one of our employees. A devoted 'Corporate Cult' member, he wins a year's supply of Kool-aid.

What ISN'T a name...

I'm completely in rant mode today, and I think I might be in the process of driving my coworkers stark raving mad.

You know what drives me nuts, though?

When parents name their daughters cutsie boy names, like Charli and Bobbie (always with the incessantly annoying 'i' or the even more infuriating 'ie'). It's a nickname, PEOPLE!

Charli/Charlie/Charley and the ilk are a shortened version of Charlene and Bobbie is a cute shortened moniker of Roberta, to the best of my knowledge, but neither should be a name themselves!

Ok.. hopping off my soapbox now..

Dear Heart -- Prepare to Shatter, Dear Stomach -- Prepare for Cheesecake

Agh...

Remember.. there were 3 types of people that I met this past summer.

1) Those I didn't click with.
2) Those I clicked with but wasn't attracted to.
3) Those who met both of the former criteria, but then decided keeping their options open was the way to go.

Thanks for falling into the latter category.

I can date several guys at once. I can't sleep with several guys at once, and we've breached that subject already many times before. Therefore the entire idea of me continuing to see you, while pursuing the Single-girl-in-the-city thing is not likely to work out well. Well, lest I be accused of headgames, AGAIN. But why are you playing games with me?

When your entire demeanour this past weekend screamed that you were craving and enjoying the close proximity, and then you open your mouth and say something else last night.
The reason this system has worked so well for me in the past is because I can enjoy the company of several different men by never having that serious physical encounter. That's where the complications happen. I can only give myself physically to someone if I feel that they are someone I'd like to pursue something exclusively with. Guess what? You were someone I wanted to pursue something exclusively with.

For crying out loud.. I want nothing from you besides the pleasure of your company and the mutual agreement that you'd like to re-pursue this. I don't want a ring, a lifelong committment or you to move in with me. I just wanted you to tell me that you'd like to see where this goes as an exclusive pattern, and I don't understand why that was so damn hard.

Man.. I thought you were different, but I guess you just turned out to be every other guy.

So.. do nice guys really finish last? Or do they put themselves in that situation without realizing it?

End Rant. I need coffee.

The Perks of being a Scorpio

My favorite quote today:

"I'm a typical Scorpio. That means I'm a businesswoman in public, and a total slut in the bedroom" - Jenny McCarthy

I've always wanted to do a blog entry about what it means to me to be a Scorpio.

I love my sign.. it's one of the most sexually charged, mysterious and strangely alluring signs in the Zodiac. We can be generous to a fault -- Empaths to no end, or we can be heinous, spawns of Satan hell-bent on ruining you and everyone descended from you. Typical Scorpios have such stark black or white personalities, we either love you or hate you (and vice versa), but don't often just tolerate you. Gray areas are a rarity with a Scorpio.

Jenny said it well.. in the sack we can be voracious, animalistic and experimentative, or we can be soft and kitten-like, but we're never boring. The term 'mattress-back' has no place being used as references to a Scorpion lover. Although some people may raise an eyebrow about our techniques, with a Scorpio the job always gets done, and well!

We crave knowledge, just as we crave power, and we all know how the old adage goes.

We're intense, have strong emotions, and an immensely jealous nature. We're capable of ruining you simply for cutting us off in traffic, and the more unstable among us will likely even try. We never forget when someone hurts us, and although we'll give our love and trust easily once, it may take a lifetime for you to earn it back if you've ever lost it.

We act tough, all cool and cynical, but under the surface we're surprisingly vulnerable and extremely prone to turning into utter kittens at a soft word during a private moment. We're weird.. we want constant proof of affection and hate it when we're with someone who fails in this respect.

Wine us, dine us, shower us with a affection, but you had better be prepared for the upkeep.. we expect it forever. :)

We also want someone with enough secrets to keep us interested.. Scorpios LOVE hidden things. BUT, if you're one of the (un)lucky few involved with a Scorpio, understand us and let us possess you, but don't let us control you into submission. We have a nasty habit of going overboard.

At work we're hugely involved in whatever our job entails and often have a tough time refraining from 'shop talk' because we don't understand why more people don't find it as involving and interesting as we do. We need constant challenges and pressures and we're willing to work hard at what we do to release the huge reserves of energy we have for our livelihoods. We also love positions of power, and in that respect, the office and the bedroom vary very little. :)

Have a great night everyone!

Am I That Girl?

Ok.. that didn't go so well. I think I was having blog withdrawals for the past month or so.

Anyway.. here goes.

I have to admit that right now I'm scared. I'm apprehensive and I'm confused. I feel like the things that used to come as naturally to me as breathing are now making me feel like a three year old learning trig. So yes, I'm scared. For once, the natural born risk taker, Little Ms. Throw-Caution-to-the-wind is stepping back and staring at a situation wide-eyed, and not sure what to do with what life just threw at her. Therefore that makes me confused.. I've never felt like that before. I know some things, and they're so basic, but the great big picture is so.. big. The entirety of it scares me. Do I want to become close to you again? One man just hurt me, and you hurt me once, too. I understand we were both young, and the timing was off, but this has been a reminder for me. I never want to be hurt like that again, and I don't know if you can promise me this.

I'm strong, but I'm so fragile right now.

Sometimes I feel my best when I'm completely numb, and in order to be numb I have to feel very little in the way of emotions, and I'm able to admit that, but please just understand that I'm scared. I want to feel that way again, but I never want to feel like this again.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I don't know if we're ready for this, and I don't know if you really want this. Maybe I just wanted to write this because these are the things that I want to say, but am too afraid to say to your face.

I want someone who can value me and my eccentricities and love each of them. I want someone to grow with, and someone who wants to grow with me. I want someone to create the stories with once we've run out of ones to tell. Someone who thinks I'm beautiful when I'm half awake in the morning, who can tolerate my morning breath, and who will hold me close when I had a day of hell. Someone who encourages, but doesn't nag, and someone who wants an equal partnership and not a maid or sex toy.

I don't even know if I'm that girl, in some way I hope I am..

I know I ask for a lot, but are you that guy?

Free Falling from a Life on Hold

Wow...

Early August was my last blog entry. It seems like it wasn't that long ago, but it's amazing the changes one's life undergoes in such a short time to make it seem as though it was longer ago.
For those who know me well, or at least my style of writing, a lapse always calls for a rant, however brief, so here goes.

In 2 months I've become so disillusioned about the idea of love, and sharing my life with someone else. It's brutal to think that one person can change a diehard romantic into a paranoid and slightly jaded individual who is so utterly apprehensive about falling into love again, that she feels constantly on her guard.

It's stupid though.. why do I allow him to wield even that small amount of power over me? Maybe because it's the lesson no one wants to learn.. those you are closest to are the people with the easiest means of hurting you.

Anyway, this rant isn't completely uncalled for. After all of this bull that I had to go through with the messy split and him getting his possessions out of my house after he neglected to pay rent for the month of August, I came up with the easiest means of splitting as amicably as possible. He paid the past due rent for the month of August at the beginning of September, and I let him come in and pick up his stuff the same night within REASONABLE hours.

Well.. from all you know about this guy, obviously this didn't appeal, so the night in question, despite TWO reminder calls during the previous week, he made excuses. The next day I left on vacation and 5 days in got a rude awakening in the form of my landlord calling to inform me that he had broke into the house the previous night. Fast forward through a whole helluva lot of angst and anger, but the jerk still has things on my front lawn that he is refusing to move. Agh... why would anyone ever want a relationship if they have the capacity to morph into this??????

Anyway.. back on track now.

My vacation would have been extremely relaxing had it not been for the aforementioned phonecall. Spending time in my hometown isn't the most appealing idea, but spending time in the solitude of my parent's place is always good for a mood adjustment. I had a grand old time playing in the garden like a geriatric grandmother, and my friend Ryan was sweet enough to take me down so I could bring Summer for a nice little getaway, as well.

My.. what else had changed?

Oh.. Alex helped him break in, so it goes without saying that he moved out the day I got back from vacay. I love the basement now. The stupid kid didn't even bother to clean it before he moved. No vacuum, dusting, steamcleaning was done, so I had about a week's worth of work before it was ready for me to move in. I love the tranquility of it all, though. It's so quiet, warm and inviting, and I truly look forward to going home at the end of the day to enjoy the peace. Especially when it's morphed into a chick pad in a short period of time. But hey.. what the hell.. anyone looking to rent a room? I have 2 on November 1st. : )

Tammy's ex, Corey, finally hit the roof. After 2 months of constantly worrying about her and her little guy, Jeremy and their safety, he finally did something physical, and that was enough for us. I moved her and Jer into 2 of my upstairs bedrooms the next night. In comparison to the animosity of Wayne's 2, Jeremy is an utter angel, and sometimes I think Tammy stresses too much about what he's up to. He's a kid, and I think she's a born worrier always afraid he's going to do something and break something in the house. I've come to the realization after all this shite that stuff is stuff, and whether I have it or not, or it's broken or intact, it's not coming with me when I'm gone, and is therefore completely expendable. Except the cheese grater. He-who-shall-remain-nameless took that when he broke in and I loved that grater. :(

Work is work. Being a corporate peon does nothing for my attitude lately, especially when we're all getting a little mentally and physically burned out and disillusioned by the cult we call our company. Being positive is awesome.. but all the time is like being surrounded by a bunch of twenty-something cheerleaders. Anyway.. on that note, and in light of all the recent news stories I've read about employees being fired because their company found a blog related to them by one of their employees, and in light of the fact I'm writing this while my payroll clock is currently running, I'll take my leave.

Love and best wishes to everyone and anyone who might have missed my incessant rants and ramblings. ;)