Am I That Girl?

Ok.. that didn't go so well. I think I was having blog withdrawals for the past month or so.

Anyway.. here goes.

I have to admit that right now I'm scared. I'm apprehensive and I'm confused. I feel like the things that used to come as naturally to me as breathing are now making me feel like a three year old learning trig. So yes, I'm scared. For once, the natural born risk taker, Little Ms. Throw-Caution-to-the-wind is stepping back and staring at a situation wide-eyed, and not sure what to do with what life just threw at her. Therefore that makes me confused.. I've never felt like that before. I know some things, and they're so basic, but the great big picture is so.. big. The entirety of it scares me. Do I want to become close to you again? One man just hurt me, and you hurt me once, too. I understand we were both young, and the timing was off, but this has been a reminder for me. I never want to be hurt like that again, and I don't know if you can promise me this.

I'm strong, but I'm so fragile right now.

Sometimes I feel my best when I'm completely numb, and in order to be numb I have to feel very little in the way of emotions, and I'm able to admit that, but please just understand that I'm scared. I want to feel that way again, but I never want to feel like this again.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I don't know if we're ready for this, and I don't know if you really want this. Maybe I just wanted to write this because these are the things that I want to say, but am too afraid to say to your face.

I want someone who can value me and my eccentricities and love each of them. I want someone to grow with, and someone who wants to grow with me. I want someone to create the stories with once we've run out of ones to tell. Someone who thinks I'm beautiful when I'm half awake in the morning, who can tolerate my morning breath, and who will hold me close when I had a day of hell. Someone who encourages, but doesn't nag, and someone who wants an equal partnership and not a maid or sex toy.

I don't even know if I'm that girl, in some way I hope I am..

I know I ask for a lot, but are you that guy?