Why Cruising is Not for Us

In January, while enjoying our post-holiday vacation in the Dominican, hubby received an email from his company that they were taking the entire company on a cruise trip in April.  Yes, we are absolutely spoiled rotten and aware of it.  So in April of this year, we headed down to Galveston, Texas to board Royal Caribbean's Liberty of the Seas and cruise to Roatan, Honduras; Belize City, Belize and Cozumel, Mexico.

This was our second cruise, and both through the same company.  The first - as we recall it - was a spectacular experience on the behemoth Oasis of the Seas.  It was a significantly larger ship  in comparison to the smaller, more family oriented ship Liberty.  In retrospect, though, I recall many of the same drawbacks that we fully realized on this cruise and have thus drawn the conclusion that cruising just isn’t for us and I wanted to list some reasons why.

The Pros 

No Bugs

We briefly had a grasshopper stow away in port in Cozumel but other than that there are no flies, mosquitos or other pests (except of the drunk human variety) to dampen your trip. 

The Food.

Food is bountiful on cruise ships and it gives you the opportunity to try things you might not otherwise.. like beef carpaccio or cold melon soup.  Food is pretty well available all the time, although selection for free items decreases during the evening.  On our ship, past 9 pm you could only get pizza, desserts and sandwiches without incurring a room service charge.  The food is not always amazing quality or well prepared, but with the kitchen having to prepare hundreds of meals in the main dining room its to be expected.  The food was sometimes amazing and sometimes only edible, so overall I would say it is decent. 

The Ease.

You get on the boat and once your stateroom is ready and your luggage has arrived, you unpack and just enjoy going from place to place while enjoying your home-base each night.  Activities are easy to plan and decision making is pretty limited.

The idleness of it all.

You could literally do nothing but move from chair to restaurant to bar for a week.  If your jam is doing sweet f*** all on vacation, cruising might be for you.

The busy-ness of it all.

Alternately, there is stuff to do almost always as long as you are easily entertained.   Your cruise line should give you a newsletter each day in your stateroom that outlines all the day’s activities, and most cruiselines will have a channel devoted to the same on your stateroom television.  I found that it seemed like a lot of information sessions on shopping in port, however.

The Cons

The noise.

Go on a cruise with enough young families and drunk spring breakers and you will rapidly be looking for a place to escape.  And there aren’t that many.  Unless you want to go to the woefully under-stocked library where books are left by considerate passengers prior to you, or your stateroom.  Sorry, this should be a pro...  If you enjoy napping on vacation, there is abundant time to nap. 

The crowds.

We tried to avoid meals at the buffet during busy times (which is tremendously difficult when you’re hungry!) but still encountered few – if any – empty tables to sit at.  We took a few dips in the adult pool, but could never access the two main pools because they were so packed with children, and the hot tubs around the main pool were always full of teens.  No seats around the pool were ever secured in a week.  We are both smokers, and other than in the evening and port days, seats were hard to find in the designated smoking area on the 11^th deck.  We spent a lot of time standing around stand-up smoking receptacles. 

The Motion of the Ocean.

I was mildly seasick on the first cruise, but mainly at nights when I was sleeping.  This might have been due to the layout of that stateroom as our bed was parallel to the outside of the ship.  On the most recent cruise, our bed was placed with the head facing the exterior of the ship which I found more relaxing.  This time, aided with diligently changed scopalomine patches, I was perfectly fine (although did experience “disembarkation sickness” around 24 hours after getting off the boat).  My poor husband, on the other hand, had the “mal de mer” so badly that he didn’t vary his diet beyond soda crackers, dry salad and ginger ale on days 3-7 of the cruise.  Not only did the patch not work for him, but we tried in vain using meclizine, seabands and finally Dramamine which ended up being our winner.  Too bad it knocks you out within 30 minutes.  The poor man is a waif at the best of times, and easily lost 10 much needed pounds during our cruise.  Thankfully, he’s gained it all back due to an increased appetite since we arrived back on land. 

Cheesy Entertainment.

In order to drum up interest for the “Saturday Night Fever” show that was playing on our final night, they had a “Disco Dance Party” in the main promenade area of the ship.  Which not only meant that the only way you could get from the front of the boat to the back of the boat on that deck, was to go up or down a deck because the entire promenade was FILLED with people.  We made the mistake of ducking into the English Pub for a drink and were effectively trapped in there until the entire mess was over.  I’m not the biggest fan of disco music, but I also don’t dislike it.  I do dislike when mediocre singers butcher ABBA, however.  

Speaking of the English pub, we spent about half our late nights in there (they shut down all the bars on the outside decks by 9, so down to the Promenade or Casino you must go), and it wouldn’t have been too bad if the entertainer – a singer and guitarist – knew more than the 15 songs he played each night.  I love “Wonderwall” by Oasis.  Singing along to the same song each and every nights faded my love affair with it.  And being socially forced into raising your glass and toasting “Social” after every song made me feel.. well, less social.  

I’ll give it to the comedian we had on the third night though – he was a funny guy. 

Lack of Time. 

You are in port for about 8 hours beginning early in the morning - disembarkation to port typically happens between 7:30-8:30 depending on when you got in.  The only guarantee that you will get off quickly is if you have an excursion booked through your cruise line, otherwise you can expect to take between 5-20 minutes just waiting in a line to get off especially if you try to get off right when you can begin.  Longer if the port you are in requires a tender (or smaller boat) to shore.  We waited half an hour for our tender at Belize City.   

Which leads me to…

Lack of Culture.

So if we factor in the 5-30 minutes to get off the boat, and typically all lines want you back on board ½ an hour before the deadline to re-embark, that leaves you with about 7-ish hours.  To see enough of the culture of the country to make a decision about whether you want to return for an extended stay. 

And the port is typically the least interesting part about any of the countries you visit.  

There is zero culture on the boat since most of the people hail from somewhere within a 200 mile radius of the initial port, so it’s kind of like cruising with a good portion of wherever you live.  We’re Canadian and although there are minor cultural differences between us and Texans, we left the US and never really felt like we did.  

I feel like cruising is for two different types of people:  Those who are established in their lives and have much to lose (ie. Retired) so prefer bite sized bits of adventure followed by the opportunity to escape to a home base.  And those who don’t care to experience one iota of actual culture on vacation.  

My favorite example of this was overhearing a conversation as we were setting sail from Cozumel.

Person 1: “So how your day?”

Person 2: “Oh, It was great – we love Mexico!”

Person 1: “What did you do?”

Person 3: “We grabbed lunch and drinks at Senor Frogs just at the pier”

Full disclaimer: Senor Frogs is literally not even outside the security gates to leave the port and go into Cozumel.  So much so that major credit card companies consider it an “International Shopping Area”.  See photo where I am standing on the boat. 

And just so you don’t assume I just have a hate on for those south of the longest undefended border in the world, know that even seasoned Canadian cruisers that I know act this way.

Case in point.  A coworker of my husband’s comes back from a cruise including a stop in Jamaica and is asked how Jamaica is.  She responds, “Meh, it’s Jamaica.  We just went to Margaritaville in Montego Bay.”

As if Margaritaville, the purveyors of shitty burgers and mediocre beer that can be accessed in about 30 other places around the world, summarizes the Jamaican experience.

The expense.

Did you forget sunscreen?  That will be roughly double the land price.  Didn’t buy a drink package?  That will be between $8-12 a drink.  Did buy a drink pass?  Get ready to attempt to drink 1/16^th your body weight in sugary cocktails on sea days, because God knows, you didn’t get your money’s worth on port days.  And port days… did you actually want to see something other than overpriced bars with terrible food and shops all selling the same generic “Made in China” garbage that you could get in literally ever souvenir shop around the world (but with different destinations printed on them!)?

That’ll cost you.  If you did an excursion through the boat you can expect a roughly 100% markup on whatever the tour is actually worth.  A tequila tasting excursion we haphazardly joined was $50 if booked through the cruise line.  Our price?  $0.

A tour that we booked directly through the tour operator in Belize City was $70 per person.  The same tour was $140 if booked through the cruise line.  Sure, booking directly through the cruise line gives you some assurances.  The boat won’t leave without you.  The tour operator won’t rob or murder you.  But is paying double to five times the price really worth these same assurances?  Sure, if you’re 65 and have plenty to lose.  Not if you’re 30 something with far more credit card debt than you’d ever hoped to have.  

But even if you don’t book an excursion and just want to go see something cool for the day, expect that each cab driver you approach will now want to charge a per person fare.  Never mind that it doesn’t cost them anymore to drive one person vs three or that everywhere else in the world the cab fare is per ride and not per person, but you just got off a cruise ship sucka, and you’d better believe that you have a giant bullseye on your back that says the same thing.  Sure, you can haggle.  But you’ll still pay for more than you’re comfortable with, and depending on how hostile your driver is after haggling, may or may not see anything cool.  

Not to mention that even though you pay a gratuity surcharge, you will still be expected to tip to RECEIVE service on the ship.  I wandered to the bar we frequented on the boat, and my favorite bartender was on dinner break, so his replacement proceeded to ignore me in lieu of taking care of the 5 people who came to the bar right after me because they all had $1 bills in their hands.  I did not, and thus he replenished their drinks, and then proceeded to take orders from the next wave of the people.  I sat on my stool trying to make eye contact.  When I finally spoke up to ask if I was able to get a drink, his haughty reply was “Yes, what do you want?”  This was day 2 of the cruise.  Not a good omen.

Keep in mind that my favorite bartender was only my favorite because I tipped him well in cash, and thus he rapidly learned my name and my preferences in order to keep the tips coming.  If I chose not to tip at all, I don’t know that things would have been the same.  

Additionally, many people among our group experienced bogus charges after disembarking.  I was charged on my VISA again for my room charges which I had paid in cash 2 nights before disembarking, as well as a $8.50 charge for “mini bar charges”.  The funny thing was, there was never any items in our mini bar fridge and the 2 bottles of Evian they leave in your room (hoping you won’t read the card hanging over their neck masquerading as an info card but that really just notifies you of their cost) remained precisely where we found them – unopened.  It took a week of calling, emailing and finally contacting them on social media before they agreed to refund the charges. 

The value.

So you pay for the cruise which includes your stateroom and meals.  And a gratuity fee which is SUPPOSED to cover gratuities (but as above, doesn’t really).  If you’re like me and far away from a port, you pay for a flight to get there.  If the port isn’t near the airport (a la Galveston), you pay for transportation to get to the port.  And probably a hotel room since you typically won’t be lucky enough to have a flight arrive in time to get you on board the ship.  But (also as above) everything else is extra.  

This includes staterooms capable of accommodating little ones.  As I mentioned earlier, we traveled with a large group and that included a few younger families.  Both paid a significant extra amount (read: the equivalent to an extra adult accompanying them) in order to bring their kidlets along and for that price they got a bunk bed directly above mom and dad’s bed (romantic, right?) and a crib with a cardboard mattress.  

The one night the one little one fell off the bunk, and since he’s only about 2, dad reached out to catch him.  And broke his collarbone.  Dad’s, I mean, not the little guy… He was fine but shaken up.  So you pay the same amount as if you were bringing along a teenager and the best they can do is put the bunk above your bed effectively barring any mom and dad private time, and not even put safety rails around it???  I felt for the poor dad who now got to spend the rest of the cruise with his arm in a sling.

And a cardboard mattress for an infant?  I mean I know kids are durable and all, but for a week?  We wondered why we saw all these people toting around crib mattresses as we were getting on and clearly these are seasoned cruisers who know that if you cruise with a baby it’s BYOBed.  Absolutely ludicrous.  

Icing on the cake was when one member of the second group was now unable to get on the ship due to an issue with photo ID.  Since the next sailing was happening within a day and the room was paid for, my husband’s boss offered the room to our group to see if anyone wanted to stay on another week.  One semi-retired couple stepped up and said they would take it and would even be happy to pay for the increase in price (the stateroom on offer was a single).  When they and hubby’s boss approached customer service they were not allowed to make the change but were offered a refund of …. $90 USD.  Keep in mind that hubby’s boss had now reserved over 30 staterooms (a few were suites) on 2 separate sailings back to back.  And this was by no means the first cruise they had taken with RCI.  And they were offered $90 or nothing.  I can only imagine that the room was sold as a last minute deal to someone effectively doubling their profit.  But hey, profit over people, right Royal Caribbean?

The Commercialism.

Not only was this ship horrible about soliciting to their guests (I’ll get back to that in a second), but everywhere we went the "info sessions" were about things like “How to buy Gems” and “Shopping tips in (the next port of call)”.  From the moment we walked on the ship, staff were encouraging us to buy things or upgrade the experience that we’d already paid a significant amount of money for.  They stand at the entrance to the buffet waving brochures in your face and barking the name of the restaurant to entice you to pay for the food at one of the “specialty” (read: not included) restaurants.  In 10 minutes while eating breakfast we were approached to buy a cupcake decorating class, a reservation at a specialty restaurant and a couple’s massage at the spa.  My husband finally barked at the last lady, “We are trying to eat breakfast”.  

It was aggravating and infuriating all at once and it happened constantly.  

6 channels on the TV were devoted to trying to sell you things, a guy walked back and forth across both sides of Deck 11 with a cart to make guac and entice people to make reservations at the mexican restaurant, they setup a makeshift bar to sell people drinks inside a coconut (they were not included in your “all inclusive” drink package), girls stood outside the main dining room at suppertime trying to sell you overpriced spa treatments.  It was just, enough.  If I wanted to go on a vacation to be sold to the entire time I’d go to a mall.  

And then you get off the cruise ship at a port and its more of the same.  We've discussed the idea of doing a European river cruise when we're older, but other than that, cruising just isn't for us.