Fishbowl

One of the things I used to enjoy the most about blogging was that my posts didn't necessarily have to make sense or to have a point. They were just an amalgamation of random thoughts popping into my head at various points in my life. More than anything -- even more than further proof to my nearest and dearest that I am clearly insane -- it has served as a sort of time capsule for me. I love the fact that I have been blogging since 2004 and can look back at various points and relive certain moments. Suffice it to say I am a very nostalgic person.

The past few days I have been very disappointed in (at, about) people in general. I am disappointed in the lack of honesty, the lack of understanding and the lack of tolerance in many of the people I've met or know. It's not necessarily a good point for a prospective psych major to reach, but I suppose being interested in people means that sometimes one becomes emotionally involved in people, and thus has the capacity to be disappointed by them.

I don't honestly recall being disappointed like this anywhere else but here, in my hometown. Way back in 2001 I graduated from high school and decided I would prefer to be anywhere but here. I sent my boyfriend off to college in Edmonton, and made my way to the small town of Jasper, where I set to work carving out my own niche and life.

Eventually I moved on, finding Jasper too small still, and over the past 8 years, I floated from place to place like a good little gypsy, but invariably found myself back here for some reason or another. Every time I came back I felt like I was in a time warp. People here still acted the same, still bickered and gossiped over the same things, and were still just as intolerant of anyone different as they always were.

I envy people who grew up in cities for this very reason.

When I made the decision to stay here, back in February (granted, for a lot of the wrong reasons) I made a promise to myself that I would stay out the soap opera that is life in a small town. I would throw myself 100% into school, focus on the good friendships I had, spend more time with my family and separate myself from situations where the potential to become gossip fodder was likely.

Sadly, focusing on at least one friendship in particular has brought me back into public focus, and I should not have been so naive to believe that I was capable of blending in enough to avoid scrutiny again. It was a regrettable decision, and one I hope to never have the poor judgment to repeat.

Facebook has also played a huge role in creating bad situations. I have to be more aware that life in a fishbowl is intensified when you narrate it yourself via status messages (or in some cases, have it narrated for you via bogus status messages typed by dumb friends). It's also put me in touch with some people who prove that, 1) Some people take high school and the situations it presented FAR too seriously, 2) People will always claim to 'know' you, but invariably they know NOTHING about you, and 3) You can take 'em out of their small town, but you can't take the small town out of them.

I heard a good quote once, and I sometimes have to remind myself of it:

"Never respect the opinions of those people you don't respect yourself"

But as easy as it is to pretend like you're impervious to harsh criticism, and to act like you're indifferent to what others think of you, I know very few people that can follow through with that line of thinking. I wish I were one.