Censorship

Y'know it occurred to me that having a blog is a very strange thing indeed. Especially if it becomes your own little online journal. In one way it's kind of thrilling to know that everyone can read about your life, and in another way, it's very unnerving.

I'm sure anyone who has been reading my blog for some time knows that I've become less open, less candid and forthcoming with details about my life. At one point I didn't care that everyone I knew could read all about my life, private details and all, but I've found something I'm less inclined to share with the world now.

I feel a little censored sometimes. Like I can't tell the entire world how I really feel, or what I'm really doing because someone is going to judge or feel superior to me or get their own little kicks out of seeing how truly not-charmed my life can be some days.

I miss the life I used to have, sometimes. I miss having something to talk about and having stories that made people laugh. I miss having plans on weekends and funny pictures to show afterwards. I miss having a friend around that I could always talk to, and that knew the best and worst parts of me and that didn't judge because they knew I knew those parts of them, too.

I miss feeling like I was special and important and that sometimes I felt like I had it made, more than any other person out there. The sky was the limit and there was nothing I couldn't do if I just tried hard enough and had enough faith in myself. That's another sad part about growing up. You start to realize that there are always limits and that faith in yourself only goes so far. And a lot of times it means you've placed so much faith in yourself and your abilities that you make bad decisions that initially look like great ones just because you think the world owed you one and finally came through.

I miss the optimism that caused me to do that, even if it was the wrong decision. I miss not giving a shit about ridiculous things like how it will look on my resume or how much the government will gouge me in income tax.

Tomorrow I'm going to do something that terrifies me. Something I've never really done before. I'm not just going to talk about standing up for myself, I'm going to do it, because I want the things I used to have back.

Cross your fingers for me.