Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live

My birthday is in exactly one week.

23 years of life and I sit back and think how marked the changes in my life are.

One thing in specific gets me.

I'm afraid a lot more now than I ever was.

I remember being 17 years old, passing out resumes in Jasper National Park on the way to a dog show and never being more excited for my future. I was going to leave my hometown, find a fun job in a tourist hotspot and discover myself.

I got a job, moved just over a month later and started carving out an individual place for myself in this world.

When I got there I had no friends, no money, a fridgeful of parental bought groceries and a pack of cigarettes and from there I trekked forth trying to make the most of everything.

Soon I made friends, made money, bought more cigarettes and groceries and started feeling like I was truly living life. I went out all the time, cherished the rare occasions I could stay in and enjoy the relative solitude, discovered so many new and exciting things and learned what made me tick. I had no qualms about going out and meeting new people, any semblance of reserve was depleted when I started realizing that people LIKED being around me and hanging around with me. And I could approach a stranger on the street and be fast friends with them in under an hour.

I met men all the time. I flirted outrageously. If they didn't want me, the next one would, and so many men became a passing fancy. I had crushes like I did in Junior high.. so many men, so little time but now I had the self-assured confidence to approach almost every one and let them know they struck my fancy.

No, I wasn't promiscuous. I had experiences, to be sure, but my body was still my own and I didn't give it away to just anyone.

I took up hobbies. Things that scared the hell out of me, but that I did anyway.

When Jasper got old, I started looking elsewhere for a job. Where did I want to go next? What did I want to see?

I sent resumes to places in Banff, Canmore, Kananaskis and Waterton -- all places I'd chosen out of a resort guide that my current job provided for guests.

I got calls, did phone interviews and shortlisted 6 or 7 different places that I'd like to go. When I told my friends I was moving and they asked where to, my answer changed on a daily basis.

Somedays I said Banff, for the nightlife; Waterton, for it's quiet solitude and close proximity to the States (where I'd never been); Kananaskis for it's rustic beauty; and Canmore for it's quaint little town and short distance to both Calgary and Banff.

I settled on a little guest ranch a short distance from Kananaskis, set about 20 minutes east of Canmore and under an hour west of Calgary. I figured it was the best of all worlds. Close enough to a metropolitan area and a few young people hotspots, quiet and beautiful, and, it had horses.

The front desk manager was very excited about having me, but a little less excited about me needing a place for my cat to live also. She finally talked the ranch's owner into allowing me to live in one of the staff cabins with Onye and I started making plans.

I put my notice in at my job in Jasper, told everyone where I was going and started packing.

I had less than a week left to go when my roommate decided she'd had enough of sharing her room with the other girl in the 2 bedroom apartment, we'd all shared and would step things up a notch. She told our apartment complex manager that I had a cat in our strict no pets complex and I was forced to find another place to live for 5 days or to speed up the process of moving down to the ranch.

I chose the latter. I hurriedly packed the rest of what I had up, called my friend Frasier who drove for a cab company and talked him into the idea of driving me, my stuff and the cat the 5 hours down to the ranch.

I'll admit it. I was a little scared at that point. Being forced to move 5 days early under duress for something as trivial as having a cat who'd already been living there for 7 months was scary. But we had fun. We stopped a bunch of times for dumb photo ops (sadly my film got exposed and I only have 3 pictures that were salvaged), made a quick turn through Banff to check things out and pulled in to the ranch at about 10 pm. He helped me lug my stuff into my new abode, gave me a hug and told me to keep in touch.

And for the next few weeks I worked hard at gaining a bunch of friendships after all those I'd left behind. It was difficult.

A lot of the people there had been coming there for years and so things seemed really clique-y at first. But one day I was sitting outside having a smoke when a girl sat down beside me and started talking to me. Her name was Tobi, she worked in the kitchen, and she'd only been there 3 days longer than I had and everyone was standoffish with her, as well.

We spent a lot of time together over the next few days, despite the fact she wasn't a 'ranch resident' and lived with her friend Katie in their apartment in Canmore. I went into Canmore with her a few times and checked things out, she got a promotion, and suddenly the other people at the ranch stopped viewing us as the 2 new girls and more as people they wanted to associate with.

We were invited into Banff and Calgary for night's out, we went out on staff trail rides and to parties together. We were like family.

But the summer's end fast approached, people started getting laid off to prepare for the low season and our numbers dwindled.

A few of us moved into a house across the highway in Bow Valley Provincial Park. Well, a few might be an understatement because at it's peak there were 6 of us there on a permanent basis and 2 more on a temporary basis. And that was just people. Factor in Angie's 2 Great Danes; my Siberian Husky, Reba; Tobi's Himalayan cat; Kahlua; Onye and on occasion Tobi's boyfriend Dave's mastiff puppy, Goliath. We were packed, but we had a lot of fun. And again, I was afraid of nothing.

Even when my head hit the chopping block and I was the next in a long line of layoffs. I had no job, and was forced to move back home, but still nothing.

And here I am so many years later with a great relationship, a nice place to live and a few good friends.

So why am I so afraid now?