I'm so in over my head

Lachlan and I had a long talk about his impending move to Ontario last night, and both came out of it feeling depressed and pensive and more confused than when we started.

I guess up until Friday I had a bit of hope that something would fall through with the deal, or (God forbid) his V.P. would decide someone was better suited or had a better skill set for the position or something, and I know that's utterly self serving and a horrible thought, but it's hope and sometimes it's all we have.

Woah, run-on sentence.

But when he told me on Friday that everything was a go and he'll be a Torontonian by autumn I just got mad.

I'm mad at the situation, and I'm mad at the fact that I am mad, because this is an awesome opportunity for him and I should be happy for him.

Just what the hell is this twisted fate that allows you to develop something with someone, and just when you're again excited about something again, takes it away from you?

I know this is a huge step for him, and I know that he'd be stupid to pass up the opportunity, and then when he mentioned that he has a hidden agenda and would really like to pursue another related line of work that has a hotbed of activity and opportunity in Toronto, that being upset is just selfish on my part.

In one way I think we're being foolhardy in pursuing something that is inevitably going to end, but in another the diehard romantic in me agrees with the theory that this is a learning opportunity for me and him both, and that yes, I guess it is better to love and have lost, then never to have loved at all.

And moving to Toronto with him like has been suggested?

There's no rational line of thinking that can make that a viable solution. So I should probably stop trying to rationalize it and forget he said anything at all.

Life seriously sucks sometimes.

The eternal optimist in me tells me that life is just throwing me a curveball and that I have a chance to find the good in this, and the pessimist in me tells me that the big guy(s) upstairs are having a hoot playing the boardgame of 'My Life' and watching me squirm, but in any case, I need to talk about this, because holding it inside doesn't make it any easier.