Home Movies

I just want to start this post out by saying how incredibly thankful I am that my folks had the foresight to realize how much few hours of videotape would mean to their someday 22 year old daughter, who sits at home at 3 in the morning fighting off an enormous bout of homesickness and insomnia.

When I went home for Christmas, mom and I were talking about the videos her and my dad used to be neurotic about making when my brothers and I were growing up. She said back in the summer she came across a stash of them, and started randomly popping in videos.

We laughed about how dorky we looked handling dogs back in the day, how Trin's speech impediment disappeared with the onset of puberty and the entire summer we lived in our travel trailer.

The day before I left to come back to Edmonton, I discovered a pile of videos, and grabbed a few I thought might be entertaining.

I'm really glad I did.

I've been watching the first for the past 3 hours, through my youngest brother, Garhett's first Christmas, Trinity's 6th birthday piñata that just wouldn't die, and the puppyhood of my mom's resident geriatric, Tiara.

I saw my grandfather when he was at his most vital, and I cried. Most of the time I don't think about him, because it hurts. The years I should have been with him the most, were the years we didn't spend together. That still hurts me. I miss my grandpa, and I'm so sorry I wasn't there for him when he needed me. It's amazing, but most of the memories I have of him were suffering in a home after his stroke and struggling through dementia. It's wonderful to have this image of him again, doing carpentry, the thing he loved most, or holding my cousin Bowen, who's now in Junior High.

I realized my baby brother, Garhett, is still the most gorgeous baby in the world to me, and was probably the last baby I ever held and felt comfortable. Sometimes I think maybe that is a sign.. I was meant to be a big sister and protector, and that's why I don't want to be a mom.

I laughed and remembered the freedom I first felt when we moved to our house in the country outside Dawson Creek. I felt invincible.. the intrepid explorer. I remember that entire summer, my friend Tara Bray from Tumbler Ridge and I wandered the pasture looking for lost treasure. We never found it, but we always remained optimistic.

I saw my horses -- Dolly, my pony; Fudge, the pony who wanted to be a horse; Joey, my little dollface and Ricky, my old grey man. I love my mom dearly, but after watching that video, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive her for what she sent that old grey boy to once he was too old to ride. He deserved more dignity than that.

And all my kitties.. I'm so sorry.

I giggled at my crazy hair, felt embarrased at my loudmouth nine year old tactics and winced at my crazy buck-teeth. I guess I still have those.

I have to apologize for the sentiment. Maybe I'm just feeling a little sentimental now.

I think that was what it took though. I'm tired now.